A friend sent me these Rodney Dangerfield one-liners:

A few quotes from the king of the one-liners:

· I was so poor growing up...If I wasn't born a boy....I'd have nothing to play with.

· A girl phoned me the other day and said .... "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

· During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

· One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy .... "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

· Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

· I was such an ugly kid........When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

· I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

· I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

· I'm so ugly...My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

· When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father........ I'm very sorry....... We did everything we could......But he pulled through.

· I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness....... AFTER I was born.

· I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

· Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him . "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said. "I don't know, kid . there are so many places they can hide."

· My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

· I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

· I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

· I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.